So,

John is in fact getting married, to a friend he met at church. It was this friend that pointed out the pattern in his life that allowed him to make the decision to stop being my friend.

I made a small dent in my confrontation, but had to finish the rest by email, which I'm not sure he'll even read. Here now, for your reading pleasure, is that email:

As you chose to sign off MSN at such an opportune moment, I figured I'd finish typing.

Thanks for that, John. Thanks for being what I thought was a good person, and turning out to be only a very shitty one. Clearly our friendship meant very little to you, to be able to toss out 9 years on someone who has decided that I wasn't good enough to be in your life. I'm glad that this happened now, instead of allowing me to waste more time on choosing to hang out with you.

Congrats--you got what you wanted. You'll be finding a new house and a new life in Halifax, just like you always dreamed, and you'll be doing it with your new wife by your side. Funny how things seemed to line up perfectly in order for you to do that.

I hope you're oh so happy, and when/if it fails, I hope you've managed to find someone along the way to help you pick up the pieces, considering that was generally my role, and I've been ousted out as though I mattered very little.

Keep those memories in mind--they will be all you have of me, 'cause I sure as hell won't be around if you ever need me again.

Thank you once again for bringing this lovely fault in your personality to light, and I hope you and the new wife are very happy.

I did it! The ties have been severed!


NO BENTLEY OVER CHRISTMAS!

It'll mark the first time in many a year (5? 6?) that there will be no Bentley over the holidays, and it's gonna be awesome!

and back to the writing i go...

ugh. this paper isn't going well. i've already sent a note to my boss telling her i won't be in tomorrow, which just proves that i'm preparing for the inevitable disaster.

and then after this, there are still two more to go. why can't i just have exams like the rest of the world? they'd make my life so much easier at this point...

my head still hurts, and i'm still stuffed up. the best part is that it has now started its progression down into my chest, so i'm hacking more and more as the day wears on... awesome!

So I have 3 papers to write. Each prof keeps pushing back the deadlines (great, you think); however, the deadlines still collect around the same time.

Originally, they were due on the 11th, 12th, and 13th of December. Now the prof whose paper is due on the 11th wishes to move it back to the 12th. Of course.

Next week, I will also likely start working full days at the government, meaning I'll have actual work to do, and therefore will be unable to sit and stare at a blank white page with a blinking cursor all day. Instead, I'll have to be staring at SPSS files or Business Objects...unless of course I bring my schoolwork into work and do it there--big possibility.

Everyone also wants to have potlucks this festive season. I'm all for the parties, but ugh, the preparing of food, during the time that I'll be writing essays...

Oh, and Bentley has called twice wanting me to come back--'cause I can really see that one happening...

so here's the life for the next few days, to those who are interested:

thurs: work at the govt, write
fri: write, govt xmas luncheon, write
sat: write, maybe leanna's party, maybe yvan's party (if i'm invited, and if it is in fact on sat)
sun: write; lunch with the ladies
mon: write (work?)
tues: work, victorian paper due; american lit paper due. potluck for victorian class
wed: canlit paper due; work
thurs: work; potluck for MA program friends
fri: potluck at boss' house
sat: christmas vacation can actually begin, for those 2 short weeks.

I also get a stack of essays sometime next week to mark over the break. My goal is to try and mark a couple a day rather than leave them all for the last day

Also hoping to get some boy time in there somewhere, but he knows that nothing will likely happen before the 13th...oh how I long for the early days of the semester when you can get away with not really doing that much work.

Nothing much is new in my life, other than the comment I posted yesterday, though I don't know what to make of it. I've already analyzed it quite a bit, so I figure I'll just try and forget about it for now.

biggest thing to happen to me in the last couple days: i'll be teaching an enrichment mini-course at carleton during the first week of may. i'm not sure if they edited my title, but it was "What's this Shakespeare guy talking about?"; my course is based on Shakespearean adaptations--but not direct adaptations (aka there will be NO BBC versions of any plays), but instead the quasi-adaptations that have infiltrated the movies over the last decade.

i'm quite nervous to teach the course, but i do have a ton of time to prepare. there is a guarantee that the maximum number of students is 23, and i figure if we're watching movies every afternoon, they'll at least pay a bit of attention.

the best part of the experience, next to gaining teaching experience and other such nonsense, is the pay--$900 for 5 days! awesomeness :)

and in other news...

-first semester of my MA is coming to a close; i still have 3 papers to write, and each prof wants to have a party to finish off the semester...
-if all goes according to plan, there will be no bentley this christmas, and instead i'll be doing extra hours at the government--making far more money and not having to be at bentley
-maybe some other stuff, but i won't post abou it just yet...

holy email out of nowhere, batman.

"signed with a kiss"...??!?!?!?

interesting...wonder if he'll email be back...

on the bus on the way home today:

me: reading excerpts from Abbie Hoffman's book Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture, about his experiences during the 1968 Democratic Convention.

man sitting next to me: reading a magazine (i couldn't see the title), and VERY engrossed in an article called, "Sexually Transmitted Infections: What's Old is New Again." He was also very captivated by the statistical graphs and the section labeled "Genital Herpes."

Well it's been nearly a month since I've last posted in this thing, so I figure it might be a wise idea to write something. That and I'm having a brain freeze about my seminar for tomorrow.

the emotions surrounding school come in waves; one day i love it, and the next i dread it. i've got some abstracts to write for conferences and such, and i'm planning an enrichment mini-course for may, so hopefully i'll get it. christmas break will also bring the PhD applications--those will be wicked fun.

most people already know about everything else in life, so i guess there really isn't much else to update.

clearly my life is really not as exciting as i thought it was...

holy crap i have no attention span today.

i intended to get a whole bunch of work done during this festive long weekend, and have done none of it. instead, i got some shopping done (more to be done of that as well), in addition to some driving practice and much deliberation and thought given to what, if anything, will happen if the boy returns.

at least the new clothes, glasses, and haircut might get me some attention...

Song
The weight of the world
is love.
Under the burden
of solitude,
under the burden
of dissatisfaction

the weight,
the weight we carry
is love.

Who can deny?
In dreams
it touches
the body,
in thought
constructs
a miracle,
in imagination
anguishes
till born
in human--

looks out of the heart
burning with purity--
for the burden of life
is love,

but we carry the weight
wearily,
and so must rest
in the arms of love
at last,
must rest in the arms
of love.

No rest
without love,
no sleep
without dreams
of love--
be mad or chill
obsessed with angels
or machines,
the final wish
is love
--cannot be bitter,
cannot deny,
cannot withhold
if denied:

the weight is too heavy

--must give
for not return
as thought
is given
in solitude
in all the excellence
of its excess.

The warm bodies
shine together
in the darkness,
the hand moves
to the center
of the flesh,
the skin trembles
in happiness
and the soul comes
joyful to the eye--


yes, yes
that's what
I wanted,
I always wanted,
I always wanted,
to return
to the body
where I was born.

--Allen Ginsberg